I had initially planned to go with a fake headline, sort of an Onion-style title, before thinking better of it. Whether it was prudence or weak sauce, the potential for accusations of click-baitery swayed me. Discretion, after all, is the better part of valor and I’ve got too little of that to go risking for for an extra five views.
The tenor of the piece remains the same though, as I have compiled for you a series of foolish Cubs headlines and ledes that even the Sun-Times’ editorial staff would find ridiculous. Or maybe they’ll be jealous.
Cubs Troll Boras, Haterz with Epic Outburst
After assigning the man some view as their best player to minor league camp, the Cubs came through with an 8-run 9th inning to come from behind to defeat the Rangers 15-10. And while detractors everywhere choked on their sour grape-flavored Haterade, Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer Skyped Scott Boras just to flip him the bird and say, “See, we don’ need no stinking Bryan’.”
Monstrous Video Board Destroys Wrigley Mystique
With timing too perfect to be called coincidence, the left field video board that will eventually blare distracting rock music was being put together as the Rolling Stones announced their new tour. It’s even more fitting now that Wrigley has become as much concert venue as ballpark in recent years.
Perhaps the Cubs can get Mick and Kief to sing the stretch this year too. After all, the venerable rockers have much in common with the aging park, namely their questionable plumbing, pervading scent of urine, and increasing likelihood of falling over.
Scott Boras Recants Criticism, Vows to End Confrontational Tactics
In an unexpected about-face, super-agent Scott Boras has vowed to change the way he pre-negotiates huge deals for top baseball talent. Boras says he had a change of heart after reading his own comments and being confronted with the reality that nearly everyone on earth believes he’s a pompous ass.
“I think what really sealed it,” Boras said, “Was my use of the word ‘ersatz.’ That was just too much. From now on, it’s ‘fugazi’ or nothing.”
Twitter Bans Hot Takes, Timelines Everywhere go Blank
After the firestorm fallout from such recent events as the Kris Bryant assignment and Indiana legislature’s antics, Twitter has issue a ban on all forms of the ubiquitous “hot take.” As a result, usage of the social media platform has plummeted to an all-time low.
Kris Bryant Refuses Assignment, Pursues Final Year of Eligibility in College Basketball
It’s no secret that Kris Bryant has performed well in the state of Iowa and now it looks like he’ll be doing so in an entirely different sport. The young slugger was so disillusioned by his recent assignment to the minors that he has decided to give up on baseball altogether in order to pursue his passion for hoops.
“I’m tired of being manipulated,” Bryant said, “So I’ve decided to play under the rules of an organization that is free from hypocrisy and that doesn’t restrict the rights of its athletes.
“I haven’t decided where I’m going to enroll yet, though I’d really like a school that maintains an abnormally short front line and that regularly recruits guys who have no business playing D-1 basketball.”
So he’s being a bit coy, but reading between the lines of Bryant’s statements, one can surmise that Indiana University is a frontrunner.
Javier Baez Accused of Involvement in Hate Group
Authorities in Mesa had been investigating Javier Baez, the recently-demoted Cubs star, for involvement in a hate group after discovering that almost every one of his box scores read K, K, K. Accusations blew over quickly, however, when Cubs officials pointed out that there were several games that actually included a 4th K.
State of Indiana Votes to Secede, Build Border Wall
When Gov. Mike Pence first vowed to clarify the states new RFRA law, most assumed that meant companion legislation to outlaw discrimination. But now it appears the state legislature is going in an entirely different direction, vowing to live by it’s own rules, common sense be damned.
“I’ve got your travel ban right here,” the state’s highest elected official was heard to say as he signed the bill to fund construction of a wall that will encompass the state’s borders.
Small-Time Cubs Blogger Pelted with Rotten Digital Tomatoes
This story takes place in the future, so very few details are yet known, but sufficient evidence exists to predict the events.