Beard Bests Birds, Begets Beautiful GIFs

On paper, the Cubs’ first win of the season didn’t look all that pretty; I suppose that’s why they don’t play it on paper then, huh. After a scheduled off-day and a postponement on Tuesday, the North Siders resumed their series with the Cardinals behind the nasty right arm of Jake Arrieta.

Looking like Paul Bunyan as he sawed off lumber with that manly mane, the Cubs’ number 2 didn’t need the help of a plastic toilet to flush his rivals on Wednesday afternoon. Do you think we can get Arrieta a blue ox and a flannel shirt for his next outing?

The Cubs starter gave up 3 hits over 7 innings, after which four relievers (70 fewer than the number of porta-potties called in to augment the defunct bathrooms) completely shut the Redbirds down over the final two frames. The home team only collected two hits of their own in the 2-0 win, a rare feat indeed.

In fact, today was their first win with two or fewer hits since 9/1/99 against the Padres, and their first two-hit win without a home run since 8/31/92 vs. the Dodgers. This episode of “Who Even Knows That?” comes to you courtesy of CSN Chicago’s resident baseball trivia savant, Christopher Kamka.

After making a leaping catch to rob Yadi Molina in the top of the 7th, Starlin Castro broke the team’s hitting drought with RISP by singling Anthony Rizzo home for the team’s first run in the bottom of the inning (respecting 90 as he did so). Then he did Starlin things when he booted a ball in the 8th for his first error. Castro is like the embodiment of the Cubs’ baseball and business sides.

While he ended up being stranded at third, Jorge Soler had hearts racing as he flew around the bases for a triple in the 4th. If there were any lingering questions about the health of his legs or how well he’d be able to move with that added bulk, ol’ George answered them definitively on Wednesday.

The Cubs were less than great but did enough to earn Joe Maddon his first victory; he returned the favor by rewarding the team with celebratory high fives. Slap hands! Slap hands! The victory keeps the Cubs on pace for a 161-1 record and also allows us to scratch off one more day on the Kris Bryant Watch calendar.

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