Future Kyle Schwarber Travels Back in Time to Bear Witness to His Own Awesomeness, Sees Cheapest Double of His Career Instead
It really shouldn’t be a surprise that the Cubs are tied, however loosely, to time travel. After all, there are only about eleventy billion memes about “this is the date from Back to the Future II when Marty McFly sees the report of the Cubs winning the World Series.” Of course, those insipid pictures are slightly more succinct, but I think you get the point.
The concept of going back in time to correct some grievous error is one that appeals to almost everyone, given our innate fallibility. But what if your life was such that, rather than go back to change a mistake, you simply wanted the chance to witness its unadulterated awesomeness as a third party? What would that be like?
As crazy as it sounds, that’s exactly what Future Kyle Schwarber was trying to do on Wednesday night in San Francisco. As you can see below in a clandestine image captured by Danny Rockett, this looks to be the Cubs rookie from about 20 years from now, likely just a month or so after his Hall of Fame induction. And that makes a lot of sense. I mean, it’s understandable that a man who had just been awarded his sport’s highest honor would want to go back to an early moment of his legendary MLB tenure.
Solid strategy here by the time-traveling superstar, going with the over-the-top get-up so as to remain inconspicuous. I can hear people now: “No way is that Future Kyle Schwarber. Dude would never wear a bear hat.” My only suggestion would have been for him to wear a Schwarber jersey because no way does a guy jump back two decades to watch himself while wearing his own jersey.
Also, the bear hat is a dead giveaway, or it was for me at least. I imagine Future WAR Bear taking to the woods and rasslin’ a Grizzly into submission, eventually wearing its head as a hat. Or maybe that was Past WAR Bear. Now I’m confused.
Here’s the thing though: equipped with the perfect vision afforded by hindsight, shouldn’t he have jumped to just one day earlier? I mean, it would have been really cool for him to see that home run he mashed from a different perspective. Then again, it’s entirely possible that the concussive force of the blast disrupted the space-time continuum just enough to shift Schwarber’s re-entry date.
So instead of his 12th home run, the once and future star took in a pair of infield hits, including the cheapest double of what will eventually become a storied career. That kinda sucks, but I can’t really feel too bad for the guy. I mean, the fact that he was able to go back in time at all is pretty cool. That’s so WAR Bear though. Not only does the guy give us hope for the future of the Cubs, but he also proves the viability of time travel.
Oh, and he also made Jake Peavy look kinda silly, which is worth the price of admission all on its own.