Monday Fungos: Cubs First Quarter in Memoriam

Ah, Memorial Day, that traditional point at which the baseball season feels either one-quarter over or three-quarters remaining. It just depends on your attitude toward fractions. Me, I’m generally a glass-half-full guy toward them, unless I have to divide two fractions. Then I totally smash the glass.

So far, we’ve learned a bit about these Cubs, but probably nothing that will be on the final exam. That’s because we dangerously expect making the playoffs. Even more dangerous: so do they. So as they hunt for that switch to flip, let’s enjoy the holiday with another week in Cubs funny.

  1. The ever-accountable Joe Maddon took full blame for Cleveland’s two-game sweep at Wrigley. He said seeing all those Indians road uniforms again snapped him prematurely into playoff managing mode.
  2. When I watch a stadium full of drunks sing “Take Me Out To the Ballgame,” I often wonder how many don’t know they’re already at a ballgame.Chicago Cubs
  3. Speaking of which, we’ve learned one unnamed Cubs reliever may have a drinking problem. A waitress at Casey Moran’s leaked the following spray chart (see right).
  4. Fans might boo Tyler Chatwood’s short starts less if Maddon named him the team’s “starting closer,” á la Tampa’s Sergio Romo.
  5. Despite a .412 OBP, Tommy La Stella has just nine starts. His one request to management: Protect him with safety netting like any spectator in a field-level seat or he’ll sue.
  6. If the Giants’ oldies act doesn’t rebound soon, GM Brian Sabean is threatening to book them on the county fair circuit.
  7. Baseball nailed former Cubs catcher Welington “Beef” Castillo with an 80-game suspension for PED use. How was he caught? Snagged at customs during a routine USDA meat inspection.
  8. People make fun of Buster Posey’s acting in his TV commercials, but no one delivers the Brady Bunch bland like he does. Even his behind-the-scenes insights trigger narcolepsy.
  9. Breaking news: Cubs bullpen coach Lester Strode has called “fake news” on the above spray chart. He said it simply shows one of his pitchers practicing his bullpen-celebration dance while urinating.
  10. And last but not least…Chicago Cubs
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